I AM HAPPY…most of the time. There will always be those days….the ones that leave you feeling a little down and a little empty. What I seemed to never learn about going through a sexual trauma and depression is that it never really comes to a complete end. That’s probably the part I hate the most. I think of all of the emotional problems that I have as a huge monster I have to slay in order to be productive and in order to just LIVE! I was the most depressed I had ever been in 2014. I totally hit rock bottom, completely shutting out everyone…including my family. I became an alcoholic which later lead me to become suicidal.
I pride myself in how far that I have come…the fight that I have fought for about eight years now was certainly not an easy one, but it’s what makes me appreciate it even more. I just wish there was one huge fight with it that finally and ultimately takes it out for good and allows it to never do what it does every now and then….creep up out of nowhere when I am having the BEST of times. When I am at my happiest and the world is great, my life is great, and I physically feel great and so focused! Then just like a dark shadow or a cloud…it resurfaces and gains that control over my mind again, sometimes causing me to go into panics, emotional outbursts, low self esteem, and worst of all…writer’s block. It’s gotten to the point where at times I can even feel it and can tell when it’s coming. There are warning signs even for me. Laziness, doubt, depression, anxiety, sex deprivation, sexually hyperactive, loneliness, and on edge frustration are a few that I can name and I can recognize when my monster begins to arrive.
I am not like most others when it comes to my trauma. I have come to the realization that I would like to reach out and help those who have been in my shoes and fought with the same demons I have battled. But sometimes, I feel guilty that there are days when I cross over right back into that same boat with them again. How can I help others when most times I still am helping myself…fighting my own mental insecurities? That’s when I have to keep my head up and focus on all of the positives in my life. Those type of thoughts are just what my monster actually wants. If I did not have the strength to get through everything I would NEVER get anything done. I would have never been able to achieve my goals. There were days I could barely achieve getting out of my own bed.
Today, what I’d like to call that push is definitely faith and optimism. My anxiety mostly stems from lack of control. I have embraced that and often have to remind myself that things happen! I just have to keep calm, be patient, and remain humble within myself, or else I mentally and emotionally spiral out of control. All of these constant thoughts flood my brain that turn out to be pretty ridiculous in the end. When I feel things are going too well and I am just a little too happy I brace myself for the worst. There is no way that I can remain that happy without something ruining it and that’s EXACTLY what I find myself preparing for in relationships, jobs, and even with my child at times. I am so afraid of relationships because I remain in constant preparation for the other person to eventually grow tired of riding my emotional roller coaster and leaving. Everyone’s love to me is usually short lived and sporadic which has caused me to be a bit of a serial dater.
When I let my therapist in on this theory, I gushed and blushed about the easy and smooth sailing relationship that I am in now with my best friend. It’s loving, communicative and everything I feel a relationship should be, but I JUST KNOW that he’s going to change up or something is going to go horribly wrong…I just know it. She gives me a raised eyebrow and a smirk then she looks me straight in the eye and asks “Who told you it was going to go wrong?” I just looked at her and after a long silence and stammered…”N-nobody really…” And that’s exactly my problem.
I at times begin to think the worst without reason…no signs of negativity. Trying to remain optimistic can be the biggest challenge some days. It’s as if a darkness hangs over for longer than you’d like and if you already battle depression it’s truly heavier than being crushed beneath a thousand extra bodies of yourself. What I’ve done to deter this darkness is always look into the light. It’s always said and sounds pretty cheesy at this point but this often times will mean I have to get off of my ass, stop complaining, look around and appreciate every wonderful blessing in my life. It always starts with my daughter, the fact that she’s healthy and we have a roof over our heads…anything that I can truly thank God for because there are people in much worse situations. I remind myself I am straying from the “healthy and new ME”, the one that I worked so hard to get here, be happy, and strive toward my dreams!
I cannot lose her! That is all the optimism and determination that I need. To fall backwards would be like 2014 all over again plus more and with a precious life to raise and inspire that just isn’t an option. So never feel that you may be alone in your feelings and being unable to control your emotions. I once was very much against therapy and swore that it meant I was confirming I was crazy and unstable, so I refused. After my trauma it was most likely what actually saved my life. We all need that and now that I have gone enough and I am stronger and more aware of my emotions, I only go about once a month and create my own therapy. Whether I need to go hiking, try something new, or write something new…I have my own way of releasing those inner thoughts and demons that come back to haunt me every now and then…just trying to see if they can pull me back.
They’ll certainly have to try a lot harder these days and I am beyond happy. So I would just like to wish happiness to those who read this and become inspired to stay optimistic and positive about everything in your life. Always know that everyday will never be perfect and the bad ones are just as beautiful. They keep you on your toes and allow you to experience change and challenges. Face up to them and always be the best you that you can be!
“Changing Our Momentum One Crown at a Time.”